I had a few schoolish things planned for today: more handwriting practice, memory work and math. I discovered a few weeks ago that DD had trouble identifying numbers greater than 10, so I found this neat little activity, which I think I referenced a few weeks ago. All week, she's been working on arranging the numbers backwards, first from 10, then 20 and today 30.
I put all 30 raindrops in the folder without written instructions (a mistake I won't make again) and she immediately became overwhelmed, which later degenerated into tears and near hysteria. She couldn't do the work, it was too hard, she was only going to try one more time and then throw it away. Meantime, I repeated my mantra of "calm and flexible" and started working on some minor chores around the house. She finally asked me to help her settle down, which I did, and she decided to organize the numbers. I think the whole ordeal lasted about 10 minutes, maybe 15, and it didn't ruin the entire day, but this intense desire to succeed at a particular task is like a stormcloud that is always hovering over us. She only goes over the edge at home, and it happens more frequently on my watch, obviously because we spend the most time together.
I've been reading a few articles about perfectionism and kids and I'm planning on getting a copy of Carol Dweck's Mindset, a book about fixed vs. growth mindsets with tips for changing to a growth mindset. Most of what I've read blames general praise of the "You are the greatest kid in the world" variety. If I had a nickel for every time I've said that I could pay for all the therapy she'll undoubtedly need as a result.
Just venting, but also hoping for thoughts/suggestions. Do any of your kids have a perfectionist streak? How do you handle it?
4 comments:
Um...YES!
Let me know when you get this one figured out. ;)
OH MY GOODNESS!! Yes, my oldest (7yo) is such a perfectionist. She rarely attempts anything new unless she knows she will succeed at it--the first time.
This is what I've done with medium to low success:
1. Talk her through it. Reminding her it's ok to ask for help. That she's not going to be good at everything the first time. That is take many tries. The she has to practice doing it (and giving her that practice time).
2. Move away from her while she's doing something new so that she can explore it, figure it out on her own. Sometimes I think she feels more pressure when I'm around. I don't know why because I think I don't put pressure on her. I don't want her to be perfect, I just want her to give her best--whatever it is.
3. Given in to her "I can't do it" statements and stop her from doing whatever it is. She will usually come back to it on her own and then bring me whatever it is or ask me to come see that she can do it.
She gets very emotional about it. Yelling, screaming and crying at times. Listing all the reasons why she can't do it.
The other day I simply sat next to her and told her, in a calm voice, that she had to do it. That I was here to help and encourage her, but she had to do it. It was nerve racking for me, but she made it through.
Nothing has worked 100% of the time, but we work at it daily. Perhaps you've done these already. Hope this at least let's you know you are definitely not alone!!!
Not that I'm happy that you all are going through it, but I'm happy not to be alone. Leslie, those are great suggestions. I'm going to start implementing pronto. It absolutely tears you up inside to hear your kid say those things. I'm on the wait list at the library for Dweck's Mindset. I'll let you know if it's any good. I also picked up a copy of Chicken Soup for a Kid's Soul; I'm hoping it will have some stories she can relate to. Fingers crossed! And thank you so much.
I'm sorry if I've posted this link before (I suspect I have) but I love this blog: Half Full, The Science of Raising Happy Kids. http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/half_full/?s=perfectionism
She had a good series on perfectionism that you could read while you are waiting for the library book.
You are giving your daughter a great gift by helping her deal with perfectionism!
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